The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament
by tempestuous
Summary: Canon timeline? Who bothers with that! (a sarcastic Marauderfic parody) FINALLY UPDATED!!
1. Time Flies When You're Stereotypical

**Disclaimer:** If I owned these characters, I wouldn't still have a 56k modem. But I don't own them, so if you sue me all you'll get is a laptop with a slow internet connection. 

**Rating**:I'll say PG-13 to start, but may be subject to go up if I feel like writing fake smut later. 

**Feedback** will be received with much happiness. Doesn't making someone else happy just make your day? 

Author's Note: And now (inspired by the comic talents of Ivory Tower and Clam Chowder), a parody type thing of Marauder fics, featuring BookishVoiceofLogic!Remus, LeatherSexGod!Sirius, NoPersonality!James, and NotVeryEvil!Peter. Be assured that the fact that nearly every adult character from the books is the same age as James and co. (no matter how little sense it makes) is intentional, as are other major timeline blunders. I'm not sure I like the style I'm writing this in, so let me know what you think. Any author's notes inserted into the text itself (and in **bold**) are part of the humour and my "stupid author" persona and don't reflect my actual opinions. 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

CHAPTER I: Time Flies When You're Stereotypical 

The chatter of the beginning of the year feast in the Great Hall was suddenly silenced as Dumbledore stood up to speak. "I have an announcement to make, everyone...starting tomorrow, Hogwarts will be offering vegetarian options on our menu for those of you who do not eat meat for personal or health reasons. I would ask those of you to whom this applies to register with your Head of House so that a list can be sent to the kitchens and everyone will receive the correct food." There was some scattered, confused applause, with the exception of Sybill Trelawney, who cheered loudly from the Ravenclaw table. Dumbledore started to sit down again, but then obviously remembered something else. "Oh, and we're sponsoring the Triwizard Tournament this year as well. The contestants will be chosen on Halloween." 

With this, there followed a great deal of confusion (more than one voice was heard asking "Triwizard What?") and excitement from those students who didn't need this explained, since they had obviously already read _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_. Among these brilliant students were the suspiciously large number of seventh-years at the Gryffindor table. "Wow," began James Potter, his eyes rapidly changing colours from blue to grey to brown because they conveniently aren't mentioned in the canon, "the Triwizard Tournament! There wasn't supposed to be one for another twenty years, but let's not question it, shall we?" 

"Yes, who needs logic when you've got leather pants---I mean, er, the Triwizard Tournament?" Sirius Black said, light glinting off his hair and making people squint. "D'you think one of the tasks is riding a flying motorbike?" 

"You have a flying motorbike?" Asked Arthur Weasley, who popped up from under the table holding a dented toaster and a socket wrench. "Could I see it sometime?" 

"Sure," said Sirius, raising his eyebrows suggestively and ignoring the glare he was getting from Arthur's girlfriend, Molly [insert generic unmarried name here]. 

"It's very unlikely that the tasks will involve illegally enchanted Muggle artifacts, since this Tournament is run by the Ministry," said Remus, who had somehow already found a book called _Triwizard Tournaments: Triumph or Tragedy?_

"Gee whiz, Sirius, I hope you or James win! You're my heroes," said Peter Pettigrew, who was already currently shining Sirius's studded biker boots and wondering if he could make any money by selling enchanted badges before the Champions for the tournament were actually chosen. But either James or Sirius would _certainly_ be the Hogwarts Champion, that's just how things worked. 

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Suddenly, before anyone knew it, the two months until Halloween were up. The past two months had been uneventful, made up of lots of too-boring-to-write scenes where Remus studies a lot because he's the smart one, and occasionally gets melancholy because he's a werewolf, James and Sirius play Quidditch and oh-so-witty pranks, and Peter...uh...spills things in potions to demonstrate his obvious clumsiness and inadequacy in general. At some point earlier in the day, the delegations from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang had probably arrived, but who wants to describe that? 

Even though no one had ever worn costumes to the Halloween feast before, the Marauders decided to do it. Remus was dressed up as Ishmael from _Moby Dick_ **(A/N: but don't worry, as unsexy as reading and/or whaling is, he was wearing REALLY TIGHT PANTS! SQUEE!)**, and Sirius, who was dressed as a biker and had NO SHIRT on under his leather jacket, was leering at him about the size of his harpoon. His pants were really tight, too. And leather. Remus was blushing and looking scandalized. 

Lily was dressed as a Very Sexy Witch, with fishnet stockings, pointy hat, and a little shredded up dress. She'd made James go as her cat, so he was wearing all black (his black pants were, of course, really tight), and had whiskers painted on his cheeks, but they were rather squinched up, as he was glaring fiercely. Lily kept calling him "Fluffikins" and scratching behind the perky black ears that were nestled into his wild hair. Not only had he really wanted to be a pirate for Halloween, Lily had insisted on carrying around his new Nimbus 2000 as part of her costume. 

Someone had convinced Peter to wear a fluffy, pink bunny suit. 

When the Marauders arrived in the Great Hall (which was probably decorated in some kind of Halloween fashion), everyone was in awe of their inventive and sexy (well, except for Peter) costumes and offered various compliments and sexual favours (most of these to Sirius), except the Slytherins, who were secretly just jealous, of course. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy laughed and threw veggie burgers at the Gryffindor table. They were just mad about having their hair dyed pink for the fortieth time last week. Lucius's hair was still slightly more strawberry-blond than usual. 

After some of the usual idle feast dialogue, mostly sexual innuendos and comments about how "greasy" Snape was from Sirius, someone finally remembered that people from other schools were here, and so there was some idle speculation about that as well. Dumbledore stood up again, and everyone was silent, waiting anxiously to see whether James or Sirius would be the school champion. "Happy Halloween, everyone, and welcome to our visitors from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. As you all know, tonight is when the Champions will be chosen for the upcoming Triwizard Tournament. The Champions will be chosen by an impartial judge---the Teakettle of Magical Steam!" With this, a contingent of house elves rolled out the kettle (which was one of those nifty teakettles in the shape of a cow) on a cart. 

"Teakettle? I thought it was supposed to be some kind of goblet," said James. 

"No, this is to make this story seem less of a ripoff of the other one," Remus explained. 

"Oh," James said, adjusting his cat ears. 

The teakettle began to hiss and spat a cloud of steam and a piece of paper at Dumbledore. "The Champion for Durmstrang will be....Vladimir Krum!" A tall, dark-haired boy stood up and walked to the front of the room. The teakettle spat again. "The Champion of Beauxbatons will be...Miss Marie Delacour!" A beautiful blonde girl walked up to the front, and the entire male population of Hogwarts began to drool. 

"I think she's a veela!" said Remus, who was flipping through _A Guidebook to Sexy Magical Creatures_. **(A/N: Yes, it's Viktor Krum's dad and Fleur's mom!! Isn't that spiffy? SQUEEE!!)**

The teakettle hissed again, and spat out four pieces of paper. Dumbledore looked confused. "The champion...s...for Hogwarts will be....James Potter, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and Amos Diggory!" 

**(A/N: OMG, aren't you suprised?! Next time, we find out how Hogwarts got four champions and Snape will be really mean and maybe Sirius will wear more TIGHT PANTS! But only if you R/R!!!)**

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**Real Author's Note**: Have any Marauder stereotypes/blunders/whatever you'd like to see covered later in the story? Let me know, new ideas are always good!! 


	2. Hexawhat?

**Author's Note:** Writing in those fake author's notes makes me feel dirty...and I think it detracts from the story, so I'm going to try and only use them when I really need to explain something even more senseless than the rest of the plot. Thanks to Ivory Tower and Moonywolf for the reviews. 

**

The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament 

**

CHAPTER II: Hexawhat? 

"The champion...s...for Hogwarts will be....James Potter, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and Amos Diggory!" 

The room was in chaos. At the Gryffindor table, everyone cheered uproariously and several people fainted as Sirius tore off his leather jacket and jumped up onto the table. 

The Slytherins were also caught in loud celebration, although their brand of it was much less wholesome and included more outright violence. Someone threw their full goblet at Snape to congratulate him, and he smiled in a thoroughly untrustworthy and evil manner through the rivulets of pumpkin juice running down his face, bruise spreading on his cheekbone. 

The Hufflepuffs, shocked that anyone from their house had turned out to be good for anything, applauded Amos Diggory in a shocked, polite way, but fell out of their chairs because staying balanced and clapping all at once was too much for their limited powers of coordination. 

The Ravenclaws all left abruptly in bad tempers for the library, muttering among themselves about why _they_ were the only house who hadn't got a Champion. And Gryffindor even had _two_. "Didn't I _tell_ you all I dreamed this?" asked Sybill Trelawney of some of her unlucky housemates, managing to sound both annoyingly misty and snarky at the same time. 

"Actually, Sybill, you told us you dreamt that polka-dotted goats were going to devour your marmalade at breakfast," said Alex Davies. 

"But don't you see, that was a _metaphor_...the polka-dotted goats of biased oppression were stealing from Ravenclaw the marmalade of Championhood!" 

"One more word and I'll hex you so you can't walk for a month!" Sibyll was suddenly quiet, except for the jingling of her bracelets. 

The delegations from the other two schools were shouting obscenities in their own languages. 

Sirius was now signing autographs across various girls' chests, and Remus was the only one who noticed James's look of shock. "Remus," he said, eyes full of desperation. "You **have** to believe me...I didn't put my name in that kettle!" 

Remus was very confused. "Of course I believe you, James." James was just about to start on a speech listing the merits of loyalty and true friendship, but Remus kept speaking. "After all, no one actually _put_ their name in, the kettle just picked people by itself. Very odd. I wonder how it works. And why it would give Hogwarts four Champions. That doesn't seem fair..." He trailed off, pulling a book called _Magical Drinkmaking Vessels and Their Use and Reliability As Impartial Judges in Large Dangerous Tournaments_ from his canvas whaling coat. 

James shrugged and joined Sirius on top of the table, and laughed as the girls who hadn't fainted suggestively caressed the furry tail that was safety pinned to the back of his pants. Lily glared at them. James jumped off the table and made out with her. 

Dumbledore sent up a huge spray of coloured fireworks from his wand for attention. "All the Champions should now report to the room to the left of the teacher's table," he said, and James and Sirius eagerly hurried to the front of the room, waving at their many admirers. Snape swooped through the door in an evil manner, still being pelted with flatware from the Slytherin table. Amos Diggory was the last one through the door, as he tripped and fell no less than three times on his way. 

The door to the room slammed shut, and soon the muffled angry yelling of the heads of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang could barely be heard over the chatter in the hall. 

"Why have we got four Champions?" the hapless, bunny-suited Peter Pettigrew asked Remus. He had to repeat himself a few times, as Remus was very engaged in his book. 

"Do you really want me to explain it, Peter?" 

"Well, yeah. I guess," Peter said, stuffing his face with orange-frosted donuts and spilling them all over his costume, to demonstrate his gluttony and clumsiness. 

"Well, no one can ever decide between James and Sirius because they're equally glamourous...and they're kind of dramatic foils sometimes, too...you know, Sirius is always out to play really grandiose pranks, but James is the grounding influence who helps him be more realistic? And Snape, well, he's just in there for the element of evil, so if anything bad happens, we can blame him. Also, it gives James and Sirius someone to trounce thoroughly and gloat about it. I think Diggory's just the expendable character...he'll probably get killed of by Voldemort in some kind of climactic last scene. Do you get it now? Peter?" Peter's attention had been on the ghost-and-bat shaped cookies for some time now. Remus sighed. "Peter?" 

"What?" asked Peter with his mouth full, spraying crumbs all over the table. 

"Nothing," Remus said, and after a few disgusted moments of watching Peter eat, mused out loud. "If there are six Champions, shouldn't we be calling it the Hexawizard Tournament?" 

"They're going to hex each other?" Peter actually put down his cookie, rigid with fear for his idols James and Sirius. "No, "hex" is a prefix for "six"...like "hexagon," see? Six sides." Remus drew a six sided figure on a spare piece of parchment. 

"Oh, don't confuse me with all that Arithmancy stuff!" 

"Peter, that's not Arithmancy...it's just geometry...you know, shapes?" 

"Remus, girls will never like you if you're all...smart..." 

"I don't like girls, I like Sirius." 

"Well then, we'd better come up with some kind of convoluted plan to get you two together." 

"No, that would mean having two plotlines." 

"What's the first one again?" 

"This whole triwizard thing." 

"Oh. Right. Well I'm sure you two will be together in the next scene with no explanation." 

"I hope so. Are you even in the next scene?" 

"I don't think so, apparently I'm supposed to go off and join the Death Eaters." 

"Oh. Well I hope the tattoo thing doesn't hurt too much, then." 

"Yeah, me too. I've never liked needles." 

"I expect it'll be a _magical_ tattoo, Peter. You know, with a wand." 

"Really? Well I guess that's a bit better. You don't suppose they'd let me have a heart with "Mum" instead of that ugly skull, do you?" 

"You could always ask. This could be one of those stories where Voldemort likes bunny slippers." 

"Yeah, maybe I will. Thanks Remus...I'd better go now, because I'm the unpopular Marauder and everyone likes to forget to write me in for long periods of time." With this, he grabbed a few hanfuls of food for the road, and hopped ridiculously out the door. Remus puzzled for a moment over why the Death Eaters would want someone like Peter, and got back to his book. 

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**Author's Note:** Stay tuned for the next chapter, a pointless Gryffindor Common Room scene! As before, suggestions are appreciated. 


	3. Pointless Common Room Scene

**Author's Note**: I'm not quite as happy with this chapter as I was with the previous two, but here it is anyway. Thanks to Lisa, Ivory Tower (I'm glad you liked Remus's book titles--I'm having fun with them), and Clam Chowder for the reviews. 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter III: Pointless Common Room Scene 

After dinner (you can figure out for yourself whether this is "after the Halloween feast," or "after dinner a couple days from now," or even "after dinner six years ago," because if there _were_ going to be a flashback scene, there would be no introduction to it), the Gryffindors went back to their common room, which now had a bigscreen TV and DVD player. (Not only did this technology not exist, but it wouldn't work at Howarts anyway--honestly, haven't you ever _read Hogwarts, A History_?) Some of the Gryffindors were huddled around it watching the latest episode of "Survivor," and making bets about who was next to be voted off. 

James and Lily were off in a corner, doing homework together and occasionally nuzzling noses. 

Sirius was playing with a yo-yo, and Arthur Weasley was excitedly taking notes on how it worked and what Muggles did with it while everyone else in the common room wondered how a plastic disk on a string could be so _sexy_. 

Peter and his clumsy friends Martin Creevey and Frank Longbottom were making badges supporting the Gryffindor champions. They'd made twenty or so that said "I LOVE SERIOUS" when somebody finally pointed out they'd spelled it wrong. 

"Remus, I have to tell you something," said Sirius, who had somehow acquired four more yo-yos and was making all of them "walk the dog" simultaneously. "Ever since that time we sat together on the Hogwarts Express when we were eleven, I've loved you..." 

"Well, that's very sweet, Sirius, but I didn't sit with you on the Hogwarts Express our first year, remember? I sat by myself, and you and James were too busy playing Exploding Snap to say anything to me. We met later, at the Sorting Feast..." 

Sirius wasn't listening. "...So I guess what I'm trying to say is...will you go to the Yule Ball with me? And, you know, snog me on occasion for the time being, the Yule Ball's still a while away." 

"I'd love to, Sirius, but wouldn't it cause something of a stir?" 

"Why?" 

"Well, mainly because we're both boys?" 

"Nah, here in the wizarding world gay relationships are openly accepted!" 

"Since when?" 

"Errr..." A blank look crossed Sirius's face. He quickly changed the subject. "But if you were a _Slytherin_, now that would be a problem! Stupid greasy git Snape! Let's think of new ways to torment him!" 

James's "Snape Tormenting Radar" kicked in, and he jumped up mid-nuzzle. "Torment Snape, you say? Well of course I'm in! Let's....DYE HIS HAIR PINK!" 

"That would make forty-one." 

"What, Moony?" 

"That would be the forty-first time you've dyed his hair pink. Since the beginning of the term. If you give me a moment, I can go fetch the numbers of times you've dyed his hair pink in previous terms, and give you a kind of grand total." 

"Well how about PURPLE then??" 

"Yeah, Sirius, great idea! Purple! He'll look bloody ridiculous!" James crowed. 

"Wonder if we should get Lucius, too...always takes longer for the spell to wear off on him since his hair's so light." 

"But that makes it even **funnier**!" 

"Yeah!" 

James and Sirius collapsed into laughter, not noticing Remus's expression of scorn and confusion. 

Suddenly, a girl with rhinestone-covered glasses and a large, acid-green quill walked over and blinked fetchingly at James and Sirius, who promptly stopped laughing. "Hello, I'm Rita Skeeter, and I'd like to interview you two for the _Hogwarts Gazette_." 

Remus somehow managed even more scorn and confusion. "Since when do we have a school newspaper?" 

"Since now!" said the girl rather briskly, shoving Remus out of his armchair so she could sit down. "How do you boys feel about being Triwizard Champions?" 

"Great!" said Sirius. 

"Probably sort of endearingly unsure of myself," said James. Rita Skeeter jotted this down. 

"Are you worried about the tasks ahead?" 

"Not at all!" Sirius said, dazzling Rita with his smile. Rita's eyes glazed and she started ignoring James altogether. 

"What are your hopes for the future?" 

"I want to be an Auror...either that or a Hell's Angel." 

"What would you say was your biggest fear?" 

"Azkaban! Why, I don't know what I'd **ever** do if I was sent there!" 

Remus winced at the obvious foreshadowing, decided it was time for serious action (no pun intended), and pulled out a pamphlet entitled _Common Sense: A 12-Step Plan to Fighting the Insidious Powers of Plot Incongruities_ and began to read. 

After a few more inane questions ("What's your favourite colour?" "Boxers or briefs?" "What do you like a girl to do in bed?"), Rita left, and a spontaneous look of worry crossed James's face. 

"What's wrong, Prongs?" asked Sirius. 

"Well, I'm just worried about the first task...I mean, what if it's something hard and I can't do it and Lily doesn't like me anymore and then we can't get married with you as our best man and have a son and get killed?" 

"Aw, James, don't worry. I'll let you in on a little secret...the first task is...Karaoke!" 

"What?" 

"A Muggle singing thing. You've got to pick a song and perform it." 

"But I've got an awful voice!" 

"No you haven't, James...you need more self-confidence!" 

"Oh, okay," James said, absently shining his Head Boy badge. 

"Don't you want to know how I found out about the task?" 

"Sure, I guess." 

"Well, last night I was going to meet that Hufflepuff girl underneath the stands at the Quidditch pitch, when suddenly, I saw Hagrid carrying something in a huge box, so I decided to follow him and see what he was doing! I had your invisibility cloak, of course, so no one would see me." 

"But _I_ was using the invisibility cloak last night to shag Lily in the Astronomy Tower! How could you have had it at the same time?" 

"Shut up, Prongs. Er, I must have been out later at night than you." James's mouth opened as if to object again, and Sirius glared pointedly. "_Anyway_, I followed Hagrid to his cabin, where Dumbledore met him, and they started talking about how the task was Karaoke, and they hoped the Karaoke machine (that was what was in the box) would work correctly. Oh, the task is tomorrow night, by the way." 

"Tomorrow night?!" James said anxiously. "How can I pick a song that fast? Oh, this is horrible, I'm going to cuddle with Lily now and ask her advice since she's the Head Girl." He walked away looking pouty. 

Sirius took his yo-yos out of his pocket and caressed them seductively while looking a Remus, who moved to sit next to him. "Sirius, this is ridiculous!" he said as quietly as possible. "Karaoke? Not only do half the students here not know what that _is_, this is supposed to be a tournament to test magical ability, not how well you can sing! And how could you and James have both had the invisibility cloak at the same time? And how are you doing that with those yo-yos?" Sirius was making the five yo-yos "walk the dog" in a heart shaped formation. "There are too many things not making sense here, I think it's time we---mmpph!" Sirius pulled him into a kiss. 

When they broke apart, two girls they'd never seen before were standing over them. The girls had eyes that could only be described by referring to precious stones, and perfect manes of shiny hair. They had somehow managed to acquire Hogwarts Robes that were also strapless minidresses. Sirius leered. They were wearing nametags, both of which had the name "Mary Sue" crossed out and replaced with "Aurora" and "Rayvenne," respectively. They also had "I LOVE SIRIOUS" badges. (Martin Creevey was a really awful speller. They'd have to do a third batch.) 

"As cute as this Remus/Sirius stuff is," began Aurora, who was blond with eyes like sapphires. 

"..._you_," Rayvenne (black hair and eyes like cubic zirconias) said, pointing at Remus, "are asking too many questions." She took Remus's arm and hauled him off the floor. Aurora took his other arm. 

"Oh look, uh, the moon is full!" she said. "You should get to the Shrieking Shack. Right Now!" 

"The moon was just full last week! This is impossible," spluttered Remus. But they already had him halfway to the door. 

"And there'll be a full moon for the _REST OF THE STORY_ if you don't behave yourself!" hissed Aurora. 

"Don't come back until you're ready to be in love with Sirius and be quietly angsty about your werewolfness!" said Rayvenne, with a glare to rival Snape's. 

They shoved Remus out the door, having already convinced the Fat Lady to change the password so he couldn't get back in. 

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**Author's Note**: Next chapter, The Karaoke Contest--er--First Task!! Any suggestions for a fairly well known pop song for Krum to sing would be appreciated (I've got ideas for the rest of the Champions).


	4. Hogwarts Karaoke, I Swear It's Funny!

**Author's Note**: First, let me say that on the odd occasion, I have seen HP characters and karaoke being done well (read "Welcome to my Nightmare" by Sushi---http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=489662). And now, onward---the Champions singing songs that (mostly) didn't exist at the time when this story is taking place. Fun. Unlike other karaoke fics, I'm not going to type out all the lyrics to the songs, because I'm too lazy. I tried to pick the dumbest songs possible. (I hate pop music.) 

Thanks to UnrepentantReader, jaffacake, theexquisitecorpse, michelle, lady lousia, and sCHEm for the reviews, and Black Ice---good idea, with the Snape love triangle. Watch for it in upcoming chapters. :) 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter IV: Hogwarts Karaoke, I Swear It's Funny! 

The first task was to take place after dinner the next night. The Champions drew straws (they were magical straws, ok?) to see who'd have to go on first, and Snape lost, probably because he's evil. He climbed up to the stage, dressed in his usual billowing black robes, and glared at the audience. His hair was still streaked with purple, as his Slytherin status rendered him too stupid to figure out simple counter-curses. Unfortunately for the three present Marauders, however, a few girls (mostly Slytherins, which meant they were also stupid anyway) thought this made him look sexy and rock star-like. As he grabbed the magical microphone for the karaoke machine, it let out a deafening whine of feedback. The assembled students laughed, and he glared even more fiercely, incinerating a few people who were sitting in the front. 

"Now, now Severus...no burning people up on school grounds," Dumbledore scolded gently, waving his wand and restoring the terrified students from piles of ash. He offered them some red licorice whips in consolation, and nodded at Ludo Bagman, who had taken some time off from the Wasps (he was still wearing his bright yellow Quidditch robes) to act as an announcer at the tournament, because trying to get his "father" into this story would be too much trouble. 

"And now, our first contestant...Champion...Severus Snape, who will be performing "I Feel So" by Boxcar Racer," boomed Bagman. There was a confused murmur. No one had ever heard of this band, since it didn't exist yet. The song began, and Snape sang in a ridiculous nasal voice. The few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs who weren't hostile to him because of his general greasiness mused about how his dark, silky voice was really being wasted if he insisted on singing through his nose like that. 

When Snape got up to the line _"I wish I was you, not I,"_ Sirius snorted, tossing his silky and totally non-greasy hair. 

"Of _course_ you wish you were me! Everyone does." Peter nodded fervently. Snape fixed his Death Glare on Sirius. His hair began to smoke. He yelped in panic, but luckily James had a glass of water, which he dumped over Sirius's head. This presented a new dilemma, and Sirius ran out of the room, panicky about whether he'd be able to fix his coif before it was time for his song. 

_"I feel so maaaaad, I feel so angryyyyy..."_ Snape whined. He'd barely missed a beat while glaring at Sirius, which everyone had to admit was impressive. As he finished up his song, the Slytherins bombarded him with evil-sounding cheers and pointy objects. Amid the rain of scissors, opened safety pins, and the occasional errant throwing dagger, Narcissa [insert generic unmarried name here---probably something like "Smith," right?] had thrown her Slytherin green 36DD bra at Severus, who caught it looking bored and dropped it to the floor as he was pulled into a perfectly scandalous embrace and french kiss by Lucius Malfoy. Everyone found this disgusting, but only because they two boys involved were _Slytherins._ James was distracted by the spectacle and glared jealously, although he wasn't quite sure why yet. Maybe this was that whole "foreshadowing" thing again? He shrugged to no one and wondered what colour his eyes should be. 

The judges all gave Snape low marks, probably because he's evil. He was too busy snogging Lucius to fix his incendiary glare on them. 

"Er, right," Ludo Bagman said, looking puzzled. "Next up will be Mr. Vladimir Krum, singing "Wherever You Will Go" by the Calling. The mumur of confusion ripped through the crowd again. Why couldn't someone sing some ABBA, for God's sake? 

Krum stepped up to the stage (what do you mean, the Great Hall didn't have a stage in it in the books??) looking rather nervous. He sang in his ridiculous accent, which of course made the song sound like "Verever You Vill Go." Everyone laughed, and the judges (except for Karkaroff) gave him marks almost as low as Snape's. 

Next up was Fleur...er, _Marie_ Delacour, who sang "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears. The males in the audience no longer cared that this was not disco music. Some of them even had seizures, and Filch demanded a bonus from Dumbledore for mopping up the drool that was all over the floor afterwards. The male judges had passed out, rendering them unable to give her any marks at all, but Madame Maxime gave her a ten. 

Then it was Amos Diggory's turn, and even though James had warned him about the Karaoke task ahead of time because it was the Decent Thing To Do, he still managed to forget half of the words to "Row Row Row Your Boat." This earned him (yes, you guessed it) low marks, but the Hufflepuffs applauded frantically anyway, for as long as they could without falling out of their chairs again (which wasn't very long.) 

Remus had been watching all this through the window, as Aurora and Rayvenne had banished him from the castle altogether after they found him asleep in the library that morning, head resting on the open book _War of the Worlds: What to Do if Your Wizarding School is Inundated with Physically Idealized Muggle Author Girls_. He'd been wanting to smash his head into the solid stone wall for some time now, but the book's first tip had been "Self injury, while tempting, will not help the situation." Remus had to agree that this seemed like sound advice. 

Sirius, his hair dried and more stunning than ever, had climbed onto the stage in his usual Really Tight Leather Pants, and a fishnet t-shirt. Girls fainted. Boys tried in vain to act like they weren't attracted to him. "I'd like to dedicate this next song, "Hungry Like the Wolf," to my boyfriend, Remus Lupin, who can't be here tonight. You know, because of the full moon?" He gestured toward the window. 

Remus ducked his head down, afraid for a moment that Sirius had seen him, however, when he looked up at the window itself, he noticed a large cardboard circle that had been painted to look like the moon was attached to the window with Spellotape. The urge to bang his head repeatedly on the wall got stronger. Maybe if everyone else at Hogwarts had gone as stupid as Sirius, they wouldn't take the very nice hints he'd just given that Remus was a werewolf. The opening chords of the song played, and Remus watched Sirius gyrate his hips and toss his hair around for a few moments before deciding he should probably get farther away from the castle in case someone _did_ take the hints and came looking for him with big silver knives. 

Walking away from the window, he ran into Hagrid, whose accent and simple vocabulary had totally disappeared since the last time they'd spoken, probably because it takes too much effort to write. "Hello Remus, beautiful full-moon night, isn't it?" 

"Sure," Remus said, knowing it would do no good to argue. Another moon simulation (a beach ball spray painted grey) had been hung from a tree by Hagrid's hut. These girls did their work thoroughly. 

"I know it must be hard for you, being a werewolf. Some people are terribly prejudiced. Not me, though. I've always loved interesting creatures. Fancy a dog biscuit?" He reached into one of his coat's many pockets. 

"No, that's alright. I'm not hungry. But thanks," Remus said hastily. 

"Has James done his singing yet?" 

"No, Sirius is on now, James is next." 

"Oh, well I'd better go show my rather obvious favouritism for him then. G'night." 

"Good night." Hagrid ambled toward the castle, where he was met with the scene of Sirius surrounded by crowds of admirers, Peter tallying up all the bras and flowers that had been thrown at him during his performance. James was currently crooning "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias in an adorably unsure, but very sexy and tight-pants adorned way. He had, of course, dedicated the song to Lily. 

When all the marks were added up, James was in first place because he was the most wholesome, but Sirius was only a point behind him. Snape, recovering from the blowjob Lucius had given him underneath the table, noticed that he was in last place and promptly reduced the Triwizard Judges to carbon. He was given a detention polishing the spigots in the Prefect's Bathroom, which greatly annoyed all the couples who had been planning to do illicit sexual things there that night. 

Remus sighed, decided it would have been a good idea to have actually stayed away from the window, and trudged off towards the Shrieking Shack to get some sleep. 


	5. Shrieking Shack Rendezvous

**Author's Note:** First, let it be known that I am a rabid Remus/Sirius shipper...in fact, I love slash in general and can be persuaded to love almost any ship if presented with a good example of it (but we know how hard good examples are to come by--that's why this fic is being written.)...so this is all in good fun, as the past four chapters have been. So thanks to Deidre, Ivory Tower, GMTH, and Clam Chowder for reviews....and special thanks to Black Ice for the Shrieking Shack makeout scene tipoff. You rule, as I was stumped on my next chapter after the Karaoke. This chapter seems a bit odd to me, so let me know if you like it. 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter V: Shrieking Shack Rendezvous 

Remus woke up with a start to find Sirius lying next to him on the torn up bed, shirtless but with his leather pants still on. There were candles all over the room, which was a really a potential fire hazard. Sirius was holding a rose and a bottle of champagne. "Remus, my love...here we are, in the romantic, secluded Shrieking Shack...I know you're nervous about your first time, but don't worry, I'll---" 

"Sirius, how long have you been here?" 

"Long enough to light these romantic candles and admire how vulnerable and beautiful you are while you're asleep?" 

"Er, thanks." Come to think of it, Sirius really did look nice with his shirt off. The Author had remembered to give him the requisite flawless, suntanned skin and nicely toned muscles. _Well, a little meaningless sex shouldn't create any more plot incongruities...since he already thinks he's madly in love with me in the first place..._ Remus thought. Anyway, that _War of the Worlds_ book said that sometimes people could be shocked out of their stupor, so maybe this would even _help_ things a bit. Sex was shocking, right? It was worth a try, right? Right. 

He reached up and pulled Sirius into a kiss, not noticing the unopened bottle of champagne knocking over some candles and staring a small fire. They rolled over on the bed, and Remus shoved a copy of _"Haunted" Doesn't Have to Mean "Tasteless": The Martha Stewart Living Guide to Sprucing Up Your Decrepit Magical Shack_ off the bed, it was poking him in the back. Whatever Sirius was doing to his neck was very nice, but he couldn't get rid of this strange hunch he had that something was wrong. What was that smell? It was hard to tell through Sirius's clouds of cologne, but it was almost like someone was having a barbeque... 

Suddenly, a tall, dark figure came swooping into the room. A very familiar, dark, evil, voice said "Extinguishus Fireus!" 

"Snape! You greasy git! Get out of my secret, touching tryst scene!" roared Sirius. 

Remus had only just noticed the friendly crackling blaze on the floor of the shack because Snape's wand was putting it out with a jet of water. The fire made sense. You know, candles, blankets on the wooden floor...but that spell he'd used... 

"_Extinguishus Fireus_??? What the hell kind of spell is that?" Remus spluttered. 

"One written by someone too lazy to use an English-to-Latin dictionary," replied Snape smugly, tucking his wand back into the waistband of his silk boxers, which said "Slytherin is Sexy" on them in flashing silver letters. Why were his robes open over his boxers, anyway? Suddenly, James stumbled into the room naked, hands and feet manacled together. He jumped up and down making strange, muffled noises until Snape took the ball gag out of his mouth. 

"Severus, how could you leave me like that? You weren't done beating me and making me call you 'master,'" James said, cheeks promptly flushing bright pink. 

Remus was shocked to find that the only question that came into his mind was _How could James call Snape 'master' if he can't talk?_ Once this was over, he would check into Saint Mungo's. He thought he must be succumbing to the plot incongruities. The thought of James and Snape engaged in some kind of kinky BSDM scene barely even faze him. 

"Did I _tell_ you to speak, slave?" Snape intoned threateningly. 

"Never mind that now, Sevvikins. The mood's all ruined now, anyway. What with them here and all." James made a valiant effort to gesture to Remus and Sirius with his chained hands. 

"Ah. Yes. There is the matter of these two, isn't there? What I want to know is what my _other_ slave is doing in the company of this..._creature_." Snape glared at Sirius, who whimpered. "Well? Are you going to answer me?" 

Sirius swallowed hard. "Come on Sev, I was just trying to devirginize Remus in a sweet, concerned, yet playful and somewhat kinky way...you know how it is..." 

"You will be punished for this, you know." 

Sirius perked up like a puppy at the rattling sound of food in its dish. "You promise?" 

"Oh yes," said Snape, still looking very evil. 

James suddenly remembered he should look hurt. "But Sevvie, what we have is like true love but with whips and chains! How can you be playing our special game with Sirius as well?" 

"Because I'm evil, James. You know, the whole "future Deatheater" kind of package...casual sex with a taste for other people's pain, ritual sacrifice, baking cranberry-apple muffins. Bad, demonic, black-hearted. Catching on?" 

James had already turned to Sirius, realizing that Snape's almost-reasonable answer was unsatisfactory. (But those muffins did sound good...) "Sirius, I thought you hated Severus! Surely that couldn't be just a predictable, thinly-veiled expression of your embarrassing passion for him?" 

"Well, Jamie, you know what they say...thin line between love and hate, and all that..." 

"Dammit, Sirius, that was _my_ excuse for shagging Snape!" 

"...and I wanted to give him some hair tips! Regular washing with an mint balm shampoo should really..." 

"Well, I suppose I could say I felt bad since no one else likes him...but how will I ever tell Lily? She'll never forgive me and then we can't get married with you as our best man and have a son and get killed!" 

"No, it's okay James," said a fifth voice. Remus was barely surprised to see Lily at the door in a vinyl nurse's outfit. "I've been fucking Sev, too." 

James's eyes lit up. "Really, Lily? I mean, you're really okay with this?" 

"As long as I get to whip you a few times, too..." James nodded eagerly at this. 

"Well, Nurse Lily, I think it's time to see to our patients, don't you?" Snape asked, shrugging his robe off his shoulders and grabbing a whip from thin air by murmuring _Summonus Whipus_. 

"Certainly, Master," Lily said, narrowing her eyes seductively and pulling a small cat'o'ninetails from her garter belt. "I know how much you like this one, Sirius..." 

"Sirius? You? Lily?" 

"Yes, James. Hope you don't mind." 

James looked confused for a moment, then shrugged. "No, I guess I don't, really. Can I have my gag back, Sevvie? I know how you hate it when I scream." 

Remus decided that as useful as watching this orgy might end up being in his study of the plot incongruity issue...he really should get going. That 12" dildo that Lily had acquired (probably by _summonous dildous_) was scaring him a bit. 

No one even noticed him sneaking out the door. Outside, he met Peter, and asked frantically, "You haven't been shagging Snape, Lily, James, or Sirius, have you??" 

Peter looked vaguely confused. "No...people don't like to give me sex scenes because I'm pudgy. But I do like this Hufflepuff girl, Maddie Abbott...she's all pudgy and clumsy, too, so I thought we might go to the Thanksgiving Day Ball/Feast/Orgy together, and if she's drunk enough..." 

"Right, Peter. What's that you're holding?" 

Peter shoved a large manilla folder, which Remus noticed was labelled "Lord Voldemort's Evil Plans", behind his back. "Oh, uh...nothing, Remus! I'm off to do something suspicious now!" 

Remus sighed. He was fairly sure that Peter being a Deatheater couldn't lead to anything too terrible immediately, as he'd probably lose his Evil Plans folder within the next five minutes. 

The only person he could think of who would help him was Dumbledore. Maybe he could sneak back into the castle to find him... 


	6. Communication Breakdown

**Author's Note:** Thanks to Black Ice, Clam Chowder, Ivory Tower, Magical Me, and jaffacake for the review, and special thanks to Deirdre for the Dumbledore/McGonagall/Hagrid suggestion! That part of this chapter wouldn't be possible without you. The title for this chapter is a Led Zeppelin song, because I couldn't think of anything better, and I thought it sort of suited all the trouble poor Remus is having. 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter VI: Communication Breakdown 

Remus decided that the phrase "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" made a lot of sense. Taking a lucky guess and inventing the spell _"Disguisio"_ (and begging Miranda Goshawk to forgive him) he managed to make himself look like Peter and get into the castle. His Peter disguise meant that he was effectively not bothered, because no one payed attention to Peter, as he was not conventionally attractive, and turned out to be a traitor anyway. He made his way through the castle halls, even getting into character and tripping on some rugs and his own robes. 

He found his way up to Dumbledore's office, returned his appearance to normal, and knocked on the door. There was no answer, so he decided to try another made up incantation. "Er...Divulgus passwordus?" No mysterious echoing voiceover replied. Remus decided that it was probably good that the spell hadn't worked...it probably meant that there was at least some kind of common sense boundary still in place somewhere. He tried various candy names to no avail. He tried titles of books in the library. The names of all four houses and then the Hogwarts founders' full names. All the dinners he could think of. Random words. Bands. He resorted to pounding on the door again, which did no good. 

He kicked the door and muttered, "Oh, fuck me up the ass!" in annoyance. 

The door swung open. 

He blinked in confusion, but walked into the office anyway. Blissfully, everything looked as it usually did. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk wearing a large pair of headphones and playing air guitar, which for him, was probably less strange than usual. He noticed Remus and took off the headphones. "Ah, Led Zeppelin. One of the greater pleasures of the Muggle world, don't you think? Would you like a peppermint?" Remus took one, as he hadn't eaten for awhile. "Now, what seems to be the trouble, Remus?" Dumbledore asked. 

Remus took a deep breath. "Well, Headmaster, I don't know if you've noticed, but things seem to be very odd around here lately..." He spat out the whole story (omitting the blatantly sexual parts), concluding with "...and so I came to see you because I thought maybe this might be some kind of bizarre curse that Voldemort put on the castle so that everyone would be too stupid to do anything about it if he were planning some kind of huge attack!" He finished, breathless, and looked up at Dumbledore, who smiled at him indulgently. 

"Well, Remus, that was a very interesting story. You might want to think about being a writer someday, with that kind of creative talent!" 

"But, Headmaster--" 

"I think that maybe all the stress you're under with your lycanthropy is having a harmful effect on you. Do you need to see Madame Pomfrey?" 

Remus wanted to burst into tears. If Dumbledore couldn't see that anything was wrong, they were surely all doomed. "No, it's alright," he said, petrified of what kinds of things might go amiss in the infirmary at a time like this. 

"Well, if you're sure...you'd better go up to your room and rest, though. I'll call for someone to bring you up there. Why don't you just wait outside the door? And here, take a copy of my book, it's a bestseller." He handed Remus a paperback entitled _Go Ask Albus: A Guide for Young Wizards_. 

"Thanks," Remus said, and walked out the door. It closed rather briskly behind him, and he slumped against the wall. He'd have to wait for whoever Dumbledore was sending up...hopefully it wasn't one of those "new girls," they'd probably invent some kind of horrible new hex to inflict him with if they discovered him inside the castle... 

His train of thought was broken by the arrival of Professor McGonagall. She glared sharply down at him. "Mr. Lupin, what are you doing up here?" 

"I was just talking to the Headmaster, Professor. He's sent for someone to bring me back to Gryffindor Tower." 

He resisted the temptation to ask McGonagall if she'd noticed that everyone was completely insane. He'd given up hope of anyone else being unaffected. She seemed to be satisfied with his explanation, and nodded curtly, muttering "fuck me up the ass" at the gargoyle at the door and walking into the room. 

"Ah, Minerva. How I love hearing you say the password," came Dumbledore's voice from behind the door. Remus's eyes widened. 

"You really do have a sweet spot for dirty talk, don't you Albus?" 

"You know it...you dirty slut." The last three words were a suggestive afterthought. 

"Oh Albus..." 

"Go on, Minnie...change into a cat, would you?" 

"Shouldn't we wait until the others get here before we start?" 

"Oh, Hagrid and Filius won't mind..." 

"If you're sure..." 

Remus blanched. Was there nothing sacred? He knew he was supposed to wait for an escort here, but if he heard anymore of this, he'd claw his own eyes out. He jumped to his feet and started down the stairs in a hurry, almost knocking over a girl with hair like fallen autumn leaves turned to silk, and eyes like amber flecked with flakes of gold...wait! Where were those awful descriptions coming from? 

He shook his head in an attempt to return to logical thought. The girl looked at him, justifiably confused at his actions. She looked rather like him, actually. Same hair and eye colour, sharper features...dark circles under her eyes..."Hello Remus, love. Are you alright? They sent me up to get you. I know, it's just been the full moon, I feel awful, too...let's go back to the tower, get some rest..." 

"Who _are_ you?" Remus asked, wondering why this girl he'd never seen seemed to know so much about him, and be on such friendly terms. 

"Silly Remy! Don't play games like that! It's me, your twin sister, Luna! I'm a werewolf, too! I'm going to marry Sirius, after I realize that all his womanizing is because he just needs to be really loved because evidently his family is mainly made up of Death Eaters and abuses him. Then you can marry Sirius's bookish, understanding sister Vega, I mean, that is, after you two have done all kinds of shy, tentative courtship that makes everyone wish you'd just see that you both love each other and saw "awww" a lot, and we can all be one big happy Marauder family, along with James and Lily!" 

"I haven't got a sister! Sirius hasn't got a sister! Besides, I'm gay and Sirius is busy begging Snape and Lily to hit him and tell him he's been a bad dog right now, so you might want to rethink your dreams of happily ever after, unless of course you're part of this whole thing too, which is probably extremely likely, since you've just appeared out of nowhere and make just as little sense as everything else, so you might want to put on your French maid costume and get your Leather Featherduster of Kinky Punishment out and hurry down to the shack before everyone's had too many orgasms and fallen asleep! And what the fuck kind of name is Vega?!" 

Luna's brown (yes, just plain brown, really) eyes filled with tears. The tears didn't look like diamonds or mercury or make Remus feel sorry. He was just elated that the catharsis of just having a good shout about everything seemed to increase his resistance to the plague of inanity and senselessness that had descended on Hogwarts. He didn't even mind when Luna slapped him across the face and blubbered something about delicate werewolf emotions and that Vega was a better name than Betelgeuse, at least. She ran down the stairs crying, and Remus stood at the top of the stairs, plotting his next move. As long as he yelled at someone once in awhile, he should remain able to discern the difference from sense and non-sense. He still didn't have a place to sleep tonight, though...if he used the Peter disguise, there was always the chance that the real Peter was back at the tower and everyone would descend upon him with heavy, blunt objects screaming about doppelgangers and dark magic. He wasn't willing to try the shack again. But first, perhaps, a visit to the kitchens for some food. The house elves _always_ made no sense, anyway. He started down the stairs. 

________________

**Author's Note:** As always, suggestions for future chapters/parts of future chapters/anything you'd like to see would be wonderful!


	7. Introducing the Evil Element

**Author's Note:** Thanks to Black Ice and jaffacake for the reviews. Clam Chowder, watch for the time travel plot soon! (great suggestion, by the way!) To read a much better example of hapless-Death-Eater humour than this, read "Once Upon a Freakin' Time" by Evadne. (http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=899503) She rules. (Don't mind Voldemort's gratuitous Tyler Durden moment in this chapter...it just happened...) 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter VII: Introducing the Evil Element 

Somewhere nonspecific and creepy, the Death Eaters were having their weekly meeting. Crabbe and Goyle had been in charge of refreshments this week, so everyone was grumbling over the water-thin coffee and burnt biscuits while they waited for Voldemort to arrive. Severus Snape was grumbling about being disturbed in the middle of something important, tucking a whip into his sleeve and trying to pull his robe shut around his half-naked frame. Peter Pettigrew was asking everyone if he could share their Evil Plans handouts, as he'd lost his. Everyone tormented him ruthlessly for being forgetful (as well as clumsy and pudgy), but eventually someone agreed to let him read on with them once the meeting started. 

Suddenly, strains of ominous music were heard. It was the Dark Lord's entry music!! The assembled Death Eaters tried to look evil and serious and reverent all at once, which resulted in a variety of very odd facial expressions. Lord Voldemort apparated in suddenly, and muttered a few hasty words under his breath to accompany himself with a cloud of very evil-looking smoke. Everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed appreciatively, and Voldemort smiled, his face snakelike and flattened and bone-pale, even though at this point in the timeline, he should still be a regular (although evil) human in about his mid-50's. 

"Well, we have quite a nice turnout this week, don't we?" he asked, smiling happily at the small crowd. Peter nodded fervently, shaking burned biscuit crumbs off his black robes. "Now, has anyone managed to interest any friends in our cause?" There was a general murmur of "no" and "maybe." Voldemort frowned a little. "Well, I'd like a bit more effort in that department, if you don't mind...we need all the help we can get, now that my plans are really beginning to take shape. Many of you might be wondering exactly what my plans are, since up 'til now I've been very secretive. But tonight, I will unveil my true objective!" He looked around, expecting excitement. Someone slurped their coffee. 

"Right. Well, if someone would just help me with this easel, I can get started. And then we can have the ritual endangered baby animal sacrifice and gratuitously kinky orgy." At this, faces brightened, and there was a rush of people eager to assemble the easel and help Voldemort find his coloured markers. He flipped to the first page of the giant pad of paper on the easel, and cleared his throat. "My eventual intent...is to open a chain of department stores! We'll call them....**VOLDIE-MART!!!** He tapped the pad with his wand, and the name appeared in glowing green letters. He tapped again, and the slogan "Department Store of the Dark Side" shimmered below the flashy logo. 

There was a startled silence. Who knew they'd been torturing Muggles and committing other various atrocities for a department store? Some hasty, half-hearted applause and murmurs of appreciation circulated among the crowd. After all, if Voldemort didn't think they were excited enough, he might cancel the orgy. The Dark Lord smiled appreciatively and executed a rather pompous half-bow. "Yes, yes, it's genius, I know...my own line of clothing, not to mention the housewares...and the bath towels, nice plush black bath towels! With little skull appliqués and monogramming for a few extra sickles!" 

"But my Lord, how will you accomplish such a lofty goal?" asked Nott, easily falling into the role of sycophant. Everyone else scowled. Why hadn't they been the first to ask adoringly about the bath towels? 

"Ah, yes, my evil plan unfurls, faithful followers! All the not so terribly nice things we've been doing for the past year or so have been setting me up as a threatening figure, so that when the store opens, everyone will fear my wrath too much to not shop there!" He looked around eagerly for a response. Everyone was nodding. It actually made sense, in a twisted and useless way. "But there is still plenty of work to be done!" He flipped to the next page of the pad and uncapped out the red marker. It squealed horrendously on the paper as he wrote "TO DO LIST" in big capital letters. Everyone winced, but Voldemort continued, unruffled. 

"Number one, more evildoing is always needed! The torture and terror committees are expected to continue on with their regular duties. Lucius, I believe your team is supposed to poke kittycats with sticks at the animal shelter on Thursday night?" Lucius Malfoy nodded, noting this in his Day Planner. "LeStrange, your group is assigned to tip over Port-a-Potties at that Muggle carnival on Saturday---oh, and make sure people are _in_ them this time, would you? Really defeats the purpose otherwise." LeStrange nodded sheepishly. "Severus, you're to continue swishing about Hogwarts looking evil. This is especially important as the Triwizard Tournament is on." Snape nodded in an offhand way, he was in the midst of rolling a cigarette. 

Voldemort wrote "#1: Keep up Evildoing" on the pad. "Next, I'd like you all to research the prices at existing department stores in your spare time. Just in case we can't use our evil to put them all out of business, we'll need to be able to offer a better bargain than they do." (#2: Research Prices) 

"Third, I have to kill James Potter." At this, there was a general ripple of confusion. The older Death Eaters wondered who James Potter was. The younger ones wondered what he had to do with anything. 

Peter Pettigrew gave this confusion voice. "Er, Mr. Dark Lord Sir? Why d'you want to kill James? He's not very interesting. If anyone were going to be a threat to your department store, it'd be someone smart from Ravenclaw like Vin Chang. I heard that he was thinking of starting a chain of restaurants, actually, and..." 

"I just have to kill him, alright?! The first rule of Project Voldie-Mart is you don't ask questions!" He added "#3: Kill James Potter" to the list. 

"And, as a general evil gesture, I will infiltrate the Hogwarts Yule Ball!" More confusion. 

"If you don't mind my asking, my Lord, what spark of marvellously evil insight led you to come up with that idea? Please explain to me what dark end it will serve, as I cannot even follow your complex plot!" Voldemort beamed. Everyone glared at Nott again. Trust _him_ to be the one to find a satisfactory way to ask _why the fuck are you going to the Yule Ball?_

"Well, if you really want to know, it's because we never had a Yule Ball when _I_ was at school...I feel that I really missed out! Dancing, fancy dress robes, fountains of punch, all that! The pretty decorations for Christmas in the great hall, and music, and a special enchanted dinner, and maybe someone will even _waltz_ with me...oh, and I'm sure the Dark Lord appearing at the Yule Ball will...er...terrify everyone! And make them want bath towels?" Voldemort blushed, looking a bit embarrased. The marker squealed again as he wrote "#4: Yule Ball." 

"Well. If everyone is clear about the plan for now, the meeting is adjourned. Rosier, you _have_ been keeping the minutes, haven't you?" A nod. "Very well then. I'll see you all next week." 


	8. It's Easier to Ignore the Paradoxes

**Author's Note:** Thanks to jaffacake, Clam Chowder, and Black Ice for the faithful reviews...i love you guys!! (Black Ice---thanks for suggestions---i can definitely work with them, as you can see in this chapter.) Also, thanks to LondonWriter and Elektra, glad you liked the story. 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter VIII: It's Easier to Ignore the Paradoxes 

As Remus sat on an out of the way staircase with a large roast beef sandwich, he tried not to think about the orgy the house elves had been having when he'd walked into the kitchen...the tangle of limbs and third-person speech was nauseating to imagine, and he _was_ trying to have dinner. He'd made a stop at the library, and was attempting not to drop crumbs on _It's Not You, It's Them: What to Do When Nothing Makes Sense but You're Really Sure It's Not Your Fault_. 

Suddenly, Sirius came tearing up the steps. He stopped, panting, and looked at Remus with wide, haunted eyes. Remus braced to start yelling again, but he didn't want to describe Sirius's eyes as crystalline blue like the oceans crying, or his hair as silky ebony perfection...in fact, his hair was somewhat disordered and stuck to his damp forehead. Sirius was obviously waiting for Remus to ask him what had happened. Remus wasn't sure he really wanted to know, but decided to go ahead anyway. 

"What happened, Sirius?" 

"Remus, it's awful...you have to believe me, I went into the future!" 

"You _what_?!" 

"I went into the future!" 

"Oh no! Don't even begin suggesting that the incongruities have extended themselves into the space-time continuum! Are you sure it was the future? Are you sure you didn't...I don't know, wander into a broom closet?" 

"No, it was the future! James was dead and I was in prison and Lily was dead and Snape was a teacher and Peter was dead and worst of all, Lucius Malfoy was still rich! I was hoping he'd become a homeless bum and have to beg for knuts on the corner..." Sirius stopped for a moment and looked at Remus, his eyes widening even more and filling with tears. "...I...I don't know how to tell you this, Remus...but in the future you're a...a werewolf!" 

"I'm a werewolf right now." 

"AHHH! WEREWOLF!!! AHHHH!" Sirius wheeled around, about to run from the room. Remus grabbed him and clapped a hand over his mouth." 

"Sirus, shut _up_! I've been a werewolf since I was a toddler! Thus, I've been a werewolf the entire time you've known me. I'm not going to hurt you, unless you keep screaming. Got it?" Sirius nodded. Remus dropped his hand back to his side. 

"B-but Remy, if you've been a werewolf this whole time, why didn't you just tell me?" 

"...because you and James figured out I was a werewolf by yourselves?" 

Sirius ignored this. "This really puts a lot of strain on our relationship, you know...how can I trust you if you obviously didn't even trust me enough to tell me such a fundamental thing about your life? I still love you, but this will take me a long time to work out. I'm going to go brood in the Forbidden Forest now. Oh yes, and Azkaban. I can brood about that, too." With this, Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek in a soft, sad way, and started down the stairs. Suddenly, he paused, standing up straighter and spinning around. "No, wait! I'm Sirius Black! I'm invincible! I'm attractive! I'm mischievous, but good-hearted! My pants are tight! I have to save the world! I'm going **Back To The Future** to change things!" 

"How did you get into the future in the first place?" Remus asked. 

"Why, this magical cufflink, of course!" Sirius said, pointing to a glint of gold on his robe. "My uncle gave it to me. He's the Minister of Magic." 

"Your uncle, the Minister of Magic, who you've never spoken about before, gave you an illegal time traveling device?" 

"Yeah. For my birthday." 

"Right. Just wanted to make sure I'd got it straight." 

"Alright, Remus, here I go...don't worry, you won't be a werewolf for long!" With that, Sirius twisted the cufflink and disappeared. Remus fought the urge to hit himself on the head with his book. At least the world was so senseless already that any lingering consequences of Sirius's sojourn could probably be fixed more easily than usual. He sighed and crammed the last bit of his sandwich into his mouth hastily. It was time for another trip to the library. He had new research to do. 

___________________________

Severus Snape was annoyed. He'd been dragged from his sexual conquests in the Shrieking Shack by that stupid Death Eater meeting (and the biscuits had been burnt, too!), and then Voldemort had been so embarrassed by that whole Yule Ball thing that he'd totally forgotten about the animal sacrifice and orgy and sent them all home! And they were supposed to do the tiger cub tonight, too. Snape grumbled, swept down the hall, and incinerated a few first years, which failed to cheer him up. 

Suddenly, there was a popping noise, and three people he'd never seen before seemed to fall out of nothing and onto the floor in front of him. He nearly tripped on them. They were dressed in Hogwarts robes and looked to be fourth or fifth years. 

"What the hell d'you think you're doing, apparating into the middle of a bloody hallway? You almost tripped me!" 

One of them, a girl with brown hair that stood out in a cloud around her face, looked up at him scornfully, sitting up and pulling her robes straight. "Don't you _know_ that you can't apparate or disapparate anywhere on Hogwarts grounds? Honestly!" Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she tugged on the robe of the dark haired boy who was laying next to her. "It's...it's..." 

The boy looked up, a look of shock on his face. "P-professor Snape?!" 

"My first name's Severus, actually," Snape began, and then he took a good look at the boy. "James? When did you shrink?" 

"You think I'm James? James Potter?" 

"You're not? You look just like him---" 

"No! I'm Har---er..._Barry_...er...Smith? Right, and I'm...visiting from...Bogmorts, a nearby rival wizarding school! These are my friends...R---Don," he gestured to a shocked-looking redhead next to him, "and Herm...um..." 

"My name's Veronica," the girl interjected. The other two looked at her in quite a confused way. 

Snape was quite confused himself. "Right. Veronica. Hi. If you're from this other school, then why--" 

"Oh, of course you've never heard of Bogmorts, we keep ourselves very secret! Don't want you stealing our magical secrets and all!" The dark-haired boy winked not very slyly at his friends, who nodded eagerly in agreement. 

"I was just going to ask why you've got on Hogwarts robes, then?" 

"Oh! These...um...it's all part of our disguise! We're cleverly pretending to be from here so we can do some research! You won't tell anyone, will you?" 

"Although it goes against my better judgement, no, I won't." The trio breathed a collective sigh of relief. "But only if you shag me," Snape finished, raising his eyebrows at the James-lookalike. 

"_What?!_" 

Maybe he had to speak more slowly. "I won't tell anyone you're actually from this Bogmorts place, but only if _you_," he nodded quite clearly at the boy in question here, "will have sex with me." 

The boy's friends looked horrified, whispering all sorts of silly things like _no, don't do it! It's Snape!_ The boy himself, however, seemed to be considering the offer quite seriously. He looked up at Snape and shrugged (he really did remind one of James). "Well, alright. I s'pose it can't hurt...you're rather sexy, when you're younger." 

"Younger than what?" 

"Oh, nothing!" 

Snape decided this odd behaviour could be ignored, since this Barry person had agreed to his terms. "Well, let's get going, shall we? The Astronomy Tower, I think..." he purred, affecting his best sexy voice, and took the boy by the arm, leading him down the hall. 

"Gee, do you think after we...you know...I could meet this James person, I mean, since he looks like me and all..." 

"Certainly, Barry, that shouldn't be any trouble at all...though he's rather dull." 

They turned the corner, leaving the newly-dubbed Don and Veronica standing in the hallway with their mouths agape. 

___________________________

**Author's Note:** Next chapter, more senseless time travelling fun! Suggestions are lovely, as always. 


	9. Pertinent Questions, Mostly Unanswered

**Author's Note:** This chapter seems mostly un-funny to me, and I'm sorry. Especially since it took me such a damn long time to get out (I've had a lot of schoolwork.) Lily's really confused background as featured here is actually taken from two different fics I saw---can we all not remember that Lily is Aunt Petunia's sister, thus was raised by Muggles? In England?! Really. Thanks to jaffacake, Black Ice, Elektra, bluemeanies, Misty 2, and Clam Chowder for the reviews. Many mental chocolate frogs are being sent your way. 

**The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament **

Chapter IX: Pertinent Questions, Mostly Unanswered 

Remus was sitting in the library, hunched over _It's Easier than Needle and Thread: The Idiot's Guide to Mending the Fabric of Space and Time_, when the quiet was disrupted by a girl's voice sounding very annoyed. 

"What do you mean that boy over there's got the book on repairing the space-time continuum? Don't you stock multiple copies?!" He looked up, and saw that the voice belonged to a younger girl he'd never seen before. She had rather fluffy brown hair and looked very flustered. A sheepish looking redheaded boy (who looked strangely like Arthur Weasley) stood a few feet away, flushed bright red. The girl looked over at Remus and blanched, murmuring something to Madame Pince and hurrying over to his table. 

"Er, are you Remus Lupin?" Remus eyed the girl suspiciously, but didn't want to describe her eyes as being the rich colour of the best milk chocolate from Hogsmeade, so he decided it might be safe to talk to her, especially since she was looking for a book on repairing the continuum. Maybe she'd actually noticed something was wrong. 

"Yes, I am. You wanted this book?" 

"Yes! Do you think you'll be done with it soon?" 

"Not likely," Remus told her. "You can look on with me if you want." Maybe she'd slip and start talking about the dilemma at hand. It would be nice to have an ally. 

"Well, alright. What part of the book are you looking at?" 

"Just the first chapter about diagnosing the problem." The girl nodded and sat down. Her redheaded companion shifted his weight nervously. 

"R--Don, why don't you go to the Great Hall and..._get something to eat_?" This last part was meant to be an innuendo, but it was obviously lost on Don. 

"Why?" 

"_Because_ you might be able to find out something _useful_ from the other students there." 

"Like what?" 

"Oh for heaven's sake! Just go! Go and eat biscuits and don't talk to anyone!" The boy glared and walked out the door rather huffily, muttering under his breath. "Sorry about that," the girl said, turning back to Remus, who was starting to get suspicious. "Where were we? Diagnosing the problem? What do you think about the author's theory on time as an interwoven matrix of fibres, like a spiderweb, where each fibre can be easily disturbed and possibly lead to consequences elsewhere in the matrix?" 

Remus decided to discard his suspicion for the moment, this could be the only intelligent conversation he'd have for weeks. Months, even. 

"Well, I think it's plausible, but then, if you think about it, wouldn't _everything_ we do cause some kind of huge, cosmic problem with the whole continuum?" 

"What makes you so sure it doesn't?" 

___________________________

Meanwhile, Barry and Snape were winding their way up to the Astronomy Tower, making slightly stilted conversation about the Bogmorts curriculum, which seemed to be surprisingly similiar to Hogwarts, except that the courses had slightly different names, like "Mixing Unpleasant Powdered Things," "Making Up New Ways to Die and Calling them 'Predictions'," and "Changing Useless Things Into Other Useless Things." 

"I mean, really," said Barry. "What the hell's the point of changing a tortoise into a teapot?" 

"You had that exercise, too?" Snape asked. "Always did think it was a bit pointless." Barry looked shifty. Snape was choosing to ignore the absurdity of this situation at the thought of finally getting a good shag. As they climbed the winding stairs, a redheaded girl slipped past them, pausing to smile sexily at Snape and did a double take when she saw Barry, looking perplexed and continuing on down the stairs. Barry stared after her, eyes glazing over. 

"Who was that, Sev?" Snape raised his eyebrows at this nickname, but replied anyway. 

"Oh, her? That's Lily Evans. Her parents are rich wizards who have a huge manor house in some ambiguous place, but she's also an exchange student from another wizarding school in New York City." 

"Can...can she join us?" 

"She'd probably be game," Snape said, trotting down a few steps to call to her. "Lily! Want to come up to the tower with us?" he asked, leering at her. 

"Sure, why not? James should still be up there, actually, he's feeling a bit...er...beaten," she said, tucking a hand into the crook of Snape's arm and walking delicately up the stairs. "This boy looks remarkably--" 

"Like James, yes, I'd noticed." 

"What's your name, sweetheart?" 

"I'm Barry," the boy said, looking at Lily adoringly. 

"Hullo Barry," she said as the three reached the door to the tower, muttering a spell (_openus doorus_) to get into room, where James Potter was buttoning up his shirt. Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek and a rather sharp-looking bite to the neck. 

"Mum...Dad?" Barry said, tears in his eyes. 

"Into roleplaying are you?" James asked. 

Snape spell-locked the door. 

___________________________

Some time later, Barry and Snape came through the library doors, looking very stunned and very self-satisfied, respectively. Barry ran over to the table where Remus was sitting, having already pulled the redheaded boy out of a very vehement discussion he and Peter Pettigrew were having about being the misrepresented sidekick character, and why that meant you had to be obsessed with food all the damn time. They'd been sharing a plate of scones and were both covered in crumbs. 

"Hermione, I've got it! I know why we were sent back in time!" Barry said in a yell. Needless to say, this attracted quite a bit of attention and rather overdramatic gasping sounds from the other students in the library. Remus found that he was barely surprised. After all, why else would a perfectly intelligent girl have appeared looking for a book on repairing the continuum? The girl in question winced as this was announced to the library, but Barry continued, oblivious. "I had to discover that I really love Professor Snape and he's a good lay! Now we can go back to our time, and I can make my peace with him and have slightly-illegal and very hot sex! After all, his problems stem from his troubled family life and the peer pressure of the other Slytherins, he's just a cuddly teddy bear at heart. Oh, and I met my parents, too. Now all I have to do is use this ball of magical lint in my pocket, and we'll be back home!" 

Remus looked at Veronica (he supposed she was really called Hermione), ready to raise his eyebrows and share a disbelieving glance. However, she was now staring at Snape with her mouth open. 

"But Harry," she said, not looking at Harry...Barry...whoever...at all. "How can I leave now, when I've only just realized how sexy Professor Snape is?" Snape leered and Hermione blushed. Harry elbowed Ron in the ribs. 

"Oh, right, almost forgot," he said, and cleared his throat. "Hermione! How can you love Snape? He's so greasy and...uh...greasy! Yeah! Besides, Harry gets him in this story. Let's get out of here." 

Harry pulled the ball of lint from his pocket, and the three disappeared in a shower of golden sparks that left tiny singed holes on the pages of the _Idiot's Guide_ that had been left open on the table. Remus slammed the book shut, and looked up at Snape, who was striking a dramatic pose. 

"Oh, Harry," he began, "Every moment that I have to wait for you will be endless! I cannot wait until the future when we can be together again!" He paused. "I think I'll go burn down Hagrid's house and rape someone now." 

Remus didn't respond, fairly sure he wasn't actually being talked to. Snape swept out of the room. 

Suddenly, Sirius reappeared in a showy flash of light. He was carrying a small rectangle of grey plastic and wearing a t-shirt with pictures of some strange looking boys and the puzzling slogan "New Kids on the Block." 

"Look Remus!" Sirus yelled happily. "This is a **GameBoy**!! God, I love the future!" 

"That's nice," Remus replied, "But weren't you supposed to save everyone we've ever met from dying?" 

"Huh?" 

The moment was interrupted by James bursting into the library. "Sirius! Amos Diggory told me about the next Triwizard Task! It's tomorrow! It's a swimsuit contest!" 

Remus considered jumping from the Astronomy Tower. 


	10. ItsyBitsy TeenyWeeny

**Author's Note:** Thanks to You-Don't-Know-Who and Elektra, without whom the continuation the Maruaders/Hermione scenario here wouldn't be possible. James and Lily's "violent history of totally irrational hatred" credited to the amazing Clam Chowder. More mental chocolate frogs to Silvertongue, jaffacake, Phi, Aftertaste of a Razorblade, SparkySparkles, Say my Name, and poof for the reviews. I hope you all got the Famous Wizard cards you're missing. :) yup, i'm really going crazy. This chapter is proof of that. 

**

The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament 

**

Chapter X: Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny... 

Gryffindor Tower was a flurry of activity, as everyone was only too happy to help James and Sirius get ready for the swimsuit competition. Remus had managed to get back into the tower by holding Sirius's hand and snuffling softly about how much he hated the full moon and felt alienated from everyone he knew. Sirius planted a reassuring kiss on the top of his head and called him Remy, and Aurora and Rayvenne (who'd disappeared for about seven chapters because this is what happens when authors don't think about their plotlines very hard) nodded in a pleased way, and happily began measuring Sirius's inseams. 

Remus doubted very much this actually had anything to do with the contest, but by now realized that saying anything about this would be useless. 

Instead, he sat down in an armchair and watched the chaos. He was careful not too look too amused, and pretended to be reading the book he had taken from the library especially for the occasion: _When Cheering Charms Just Won't Do It: A Young Wizard's Guide to Dealing With Depression._ He let out a gusty sigh, a little upset that everyone was so bloody oblivious, as he thought he was doing a pretty good job with all this "sad" stuff. 

The Common Room was rapidly becoming a modified Muggle spa as Aurora and Rayvenne had procured massage tables from nowhere and were lecherously rubbing James and Sirius (who were wearing rather small towels wrapped around their waists and sporting mud masks and cucumbers over their eyes) with scented oils. Rayvenne was busy Sirius's hair through a highlighting cap, explaining that some blond streaks would really make him look more "beachy." Remus made his laugh sound like a sob. Martin Creevey patted him on the shoulder and resumed taking pictures. 

Remus got absorbed in the book on teenage depression in spite of himself, mostly he was mentally disproving the stereotypes it presented and correcting the author's syntax, which was awful. He was pulled out of his reverie when Sirus waddled over to the arm of his chair and sat down, looking petulant and muttering under his breath about killing whoever it was that invented bikini waxing. Remus stifled another laugh, and looked up at the newly blond-streaked Sirius. His petulance of seconds earlier had dissolved into an expression of vague annoyance. 

"Remus, you know I love you, but I also love Hermione, and I really think it was really wrong of you to try and seduce her in the library like that..." 

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sirius, you never even _saw_ that Hermione girl, you were off in the future, remember?" 

"Some friend you are! First you try to steal my true love, and then you devalue my feelings for her? I can't believe you!" 

"Sirius, we were reading!" 

"Oh, so that's what the call it these days?" interjected James, whose hair was gelled into non-messy perfection. He was wearing a red-and-gold paisley silk bathrobe and leaning languidly against a nearby chair where Lily was busy ripping out pages of her Divination text and sticking them into her bra. "How 'bout we go and _read _somewhere, Lils?" 

Lily slammed her book shut and adjusted the rather crinkly masses in the front of her robes before standing up and facing James indignantly. 

"James Potter, you stupid chauvinistic git!! How dare you objectify me like that? You just see me as a piece of ass, don't you? _Don't you?!_ And another thing, you care about your stupid friends and all those ridiculous pranks you play on Snape more than me! I can't take it anymore! I hope you get killed by Voldemort while we're in hiding with our unborn infant son! I'm going up to my room to study and make the hemlines on my miniskirts higher now!" She stormed up the staircase. 

James shrugged. "She won't be so pleased with herself when she discovers that I've transfigured all her miniskirts into potholders with chickens on them," he said, and left to look unsure in a corner. 

__________________________

The next night, the student body of Hogwarts was gathered excitedly in the Great Hall, the floor of which was covered in real sand. There were palm trees and surfboards strewn around for effect, and house elves dressed in grass skirts were serving the food. The Triwizard Champions were conspicuously absent, and there was a lot of speculation about what they would be wearing. Lily had showed up to dinner in a skirt sewn together out of potholders with chickens on them, scowling. 

Suddenly, Ludo Bagman's magically amplified voice startled everyone out of their hushed whispers and plates of roast beef. "Welcome to the second Triwizard Task, the swimsuit competition! Our first champion is Amos Diggory, who enjoys Herbology, cuddling by the fire, and making pretzels. His greatest ambition is to learn to walk without falling over, and if he wins the Tournament, he wants to promote world peace." 

Amos Diggory walked out onto the sand covered stage (Which was lined with tiki torches. _Magical_ tiki torches.) in a Victorian era bathing costume that covered him from neck to knee in yards of wool and lots of buttons, because no one wants to see Hufflepuffs in swimwear. The Hufflepuff table had mostly given up trying to applaud by this time, and so contented themselves with just shouting "yay!" as Amos tripped over a surfboard and fell into the sand. 

"Er...moving along..." continued Bagman, who obviously hadn't picked up on the very predictable nature of these tasks yet. "Our next champion is Vladimir Krum, who enjoys swimming naked in partially frozen water, killing furry animals, and attempting to pronounce things that being with the letter "w." His greatest ambition is to have a son who plays for the Bulgarian Quidditch team, and if he wins the tournament, he wants to not have to row the damn ship back to Durmstrang." 

Krum walked out, and everyone was glad to see that he hadn't worn what was apparently his favourite swimming outfit, nudity, but had opted for knee-length black shorts with fur trim. The other Durmstrang students applauded wildly, as he walked across the stage looking vaguely embarrassed and almost tripping over Amos Diggory's still-prone form. 

"Next up is the delectable Miss Marie Delacour, who..." Bagman paused for a moment to wipe the drool of anticipation off his chin. "...enjoys seducing hapless men, selling her hair to be used in the cores of wands, and seducing hapless men some more. Her greatest ambition is to continue seducing hapless men and eventually become a mascot for the Bulgarian Quidditch team, and if she wins the tournament, she plans to demand a large, jewel-covered tiara." 

Marie walked out onto the stage, dressed (if one could call it that) in the smallest silver bikini possible. There was another mass fit of drooling and falling over among the audience, and Bagman himself was rendered speechless for a good five minutes, which Marie used to flip her hair and twirl about seductively on the stage. Dumbledore rapped Bagman sharply over the head with his wand, and muttered some kind of incantation. Bagman's eyes cleared, and he continued announcing, although it was dubious whether half the people in the hall were listening. 

"The next champion is Sirius Black, who enjoys being an unregistered Animagus, illegal enchanted motorbikes, and long walks on the beach. His greatest ambition is to beat Tetris on his GameBoy, and if he wins the tournament, he plans to use his status to shag as many people as possible." Sirius swaggered out onto stage, wearing what seemed to a black leather bikini. Girls screamed and fainted. Boys screamed and fainted. Remus dropped his fork. He'd have to remember to seduce Sirius when things were back to normal. If things ever got back to normal. He wondered if this desire was coming from the plot incongruities, took a second look at Sirius in the bikini, and decided that it had nothing whatsoever to do with them. 

When the screams of joy at Sirius's roguish attractiveness had abated a bit, Bagman continued. "Next, we have Severus Snape, who enjoys being a Death Eater, brewing dangerous potions without safety goggles on, and chocolate-dipped strawberries. His greatest ambition is to become the next Dark Lord, and marry Her...Her-mee-own? Hermoyn? Some girl from the future? If he wins the tournament, he says he will set up a reign of terror at Hogwarts and burn the objectors to cinders." There was some weak applause from the Ravenclaws and the usual evil and unsavoury howls of something similar to approval from the Slytherin table as they loaded up on marbles and uneaten dinner rolls in anticipation of Snape's appearance. 

However, they weren't the only ones with violent intentions. As Snape slunk evilly onto the stage, Sirius tackled him to the ground, which caused a cloud of sand to fall onto the spectators who were sitting within a three-foot radius. 

"Snape, you stupid greasy git!! How dare you want to marry my true love Hermione!!! You're evil! And greasy...and...er...EVIL! And...and....you're wearing the same swimsuit as me!" Everyone squinted and noticed that, yes, Snape and Sirius were indeed wearing the same leather bikini. 

"Ooh, the same outfit? How embarrassing!" twittered a Hufflepuff girl. Snape and Sirius started fighting in earnest, kicking sand everywhere and screaming obscenities. Dumbledore motioned to Bagman to ignore them and announce the last champion. 

"Our last champion is---ouch, that's gonna be a nasty bruise in the morning!" Snape had punched Sirius in the eye. "Right, as I was saying, last is James Potter, who enjoys Quidditch, good-natured pranks, and loving, traditional missionary position sex with his girlfriend, Lily. His greatest ambition is to marry her and do something important in the war against Voldemort, even if it means _dying_. If he wins the tournament, he plans to blush, shrug, and graciously accept your inevitable accolades for being such a wonderful person. He would also like to beg Lily to forgive him, as he knows he's been a huge prat." 

James walked out onto the stage, dressed in Gryffindor red-and-gold hot pants, and barely paused to savour his applause, but jumped off the stage and ran to Lily with a bouquet of roses. He also thoughtfully changed her potholders into a skirt that wasn't much bigger than they were. Lily burst into happy tears, and they hugged and kissed and groped, much to the delight of the Hogwarts student body. 

The attention suddenly shifted to the stage once again, where Sirius had just hit Snape over the head with a tiki torch. 

Remus figured the room was loud enough that he could have a bit of a talk with himself without being overheard. 

"When will this crazed debaucle be _over_?" he groaned. 

Peter popped up from under the table, clutching at his forearm and holding a little notepad with a Dark Mark emblazoned on the front, and the caption "INFORMATION ABOUT JAMES POTTER FOR LORD VOLDEMORT." 

"You'd better enjoy this while you can, Remus," Peter said, grabbing a piece of cake that had materialized on the table. "It's the last excitement we'll have around here for awhile. It's two whole days until the Yule Ball." 


	11. And the Goblet of Fire

**Author's Note:** Wow guys, sorry for the two month delay on this stupid chapter...college was being a bitch to me and my computer crashed and things were just not conducive to fic writing...so thanks for your patience, and i'm hoping the Yule Ball chapter will be here soon, too, since i'm on break and have nothing but time. Thanks to Deity, Clam Chowder, Elektra, Say My Name, Black Ice, jaffacake, Aftertaste of a Razorblade, poof, LondonWriter, Scarlett*eyes, Quack Quack 88, and Ariana Deralte for the reviews. :) Credit for this chapter goes (as usual) to Clam Chowder, who reminded me about those far-too-common "Marauders find a HP book and read it" fics. 

**

The Marauders and the Triwizard Tournament  
Chapter XI: The Marauders and the Goblet of Fire

**

"I'm so _bored_," whined Sirius, flopping onto James's bed with an impact that scattered some papers, which floated slowly to the floor. "Peter, keep painting that piece of posterboard so I can watch the paint dry, would you?" 

Peter hastily added another coat of black paint to the posterboard. 

"Look, James, see how it goes from shiny to matte as it dries?" 

"That is kind of cool, isn't it?" James replied, and he and Sirius continued to stare at the posterboard. 

Remus tried his best to ignore this brilliant exchange as he flipped through _Not-So-Temporary Insanity: A Study of Illegal Brain-Numbing Hexes_. So far, none of the hexes described would explain the situation at Hogwarts. He glanced up to find Peter jotting down "likes watching paint dry" in his notebook about James. He had a brief thought that this probably wasn't the sort of information Voldemort wanted, followed by another brief thought that perhaps he should be taking this whole "Peter-working-for-Voldemort" scenario more seriously. 

Before he had too much time to consider this, something fell from the general direction of the ceiling, hitting Peter on the head and sending him sprawling into the half-dry paint. After a good laugh at his expense, James and Sirius picked up the object in question. It was a rather thick book, so their interest was negligible. 

"Look James, this boy on the cover looks vaguely like you. And has your last name," Sirius said, still obviously bored. 

"Yeah," James said. Sirius flipped through the book. 

"Hey," he said, sounding slightly less bored. "This book says it was published several decades in the future! And it hit Peter in the head!" He started laughing, remembering this. Peter scowled a bit, trying to wipe the paint off of his face. "But how did it get here," Sirius continued, looking slightly puzzled. 

"I must have accidentally conjured it because I'm bored," James replied with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "After all, I control space and time." 

"Oh, you mean with that magical screwdriver your dad gave you, since he's the Minister of Magic?" 

"Yep." 

"Oh, so you two are cousins?" Remus asked, simply to be an annoyance. 

"Huh?" was Sirius's intelligent reply. 

"Well, if your uncle is the Minister of Magic, and James's _father_ is the Minister of Magic, assuming that the Minister of Magic is one person, you're cousins." 

James and Sirius pointedly ignored him. "Well, we could try reading it," James said. "After all, the Yule Ball isn't until _tomorrow_." 

"Ugh, don't remind me," Sirius said, flopping onto the bed with the book. "I haven't decided which generic girl to go with yet. Maybe I should go with _all_ of them." 

"Well, you know that Lily is really keen on you going with her friend...er...Rayden, or something like that? And Remus, you're going to go with...Aura, aren't you?" 

Remus shrugged, figuring this was a response James would understand. He was right, as James nodded appreciatively at him and kept talking. "Well, I suppose we could read the book for a bit and then go set off fireworks in the Slytherin bathroom or something." 

"Or we could dye Snape's hair...RED! For Christmas!" 

"Great idea, Sirius! Peter? Did we _tell_ you to stop painting?" 

Peter whimpered and hastily dipped his brush in the paint. 

"Chapter One," Sirius began. "The Riddle House. The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it 'the Riddle House,' even though it had been many years since the Riddle family had lived there. It stood on a hill overlooking the village----" 

"Landscape descriptions!" snorted James. "How boring! This is just exposition crap; cut to the violent parts! Or the sex parts? Are there sex parts?" 

"Well," said Sirius, skimming a bit. "At the end of this chapter, we find out that Peter is working for Voldemort and they kill some old Muggle guy. Geez Peter, you sure are a snivelling prat." Peter squirmed, almost dropping the paintbrush, obviously afraid that someone was about to accuse him of being a traitor and hex him, but nothing of the sort happened. 

"Old Muggle guy? He was probably going to die soon, anyway. Find something cooler," said James. 

"Er...they're having a Triwizard Tournament, too...but it's not as cool as ours, no revealing costumes at all..." 

"Skip it, then...unless it divulges the third task so we can cheat!" 

Sirius's face brightened at this prospect, and he flipped through the book. "Well, so far their first two tasks have been different than ours...they had...dragons and...something with the lake...and---hey! I'm in this book! And you're dead! Lily's dead, too. James, we have to go to the future again and stop---what the hell?! I live in a fucking _cave_?! That's what I've been reduced to?! I live in a _cave_ and eat _rats_ and advise your stupid orphan _son_ about _dragons_?! What happened to my throng of screaming admirers? What happened to my leather pants? What a stupid book!" 

"Does it say what the third task is?" James asked, unfazed. 

Sirius flipped through the book again, looking sulky. "Some kind of maze with animals and people die. Oh, and by the way, your son's a crazy wanker who talks to snakes and he has a facial disfiguration and the whole school thinks he's dangerous and disturbed and they hate him, so there." 

James shrugged. "So it's a maze, is it?" 

"Yes, James, it's a bloody maze," Sirius said, still agitated. "But I really think you're missing the point here! You're _dead_. Your _son_ contributes to the second rise of Voldemort. I don't get to _shave_ for weeks on end! Something has to be done! I mean, a little roguish stubble is okay but after a few days---" 

"What _kind_ of maze? Like a house of mirrors, or one of those corn husk mazes in the shape of dinosaurs?" 

"It's made out of hedges, okay, giant hedges! You need to stop worrying about the Triwizard Tournament, can't you see this is bigger than that? My image...er...your life is at stake here!" 

Remus would have agreed Sirius had a point, had he not been completely sure that the only reason he was so worried was the whole "loss-of-leather-pants" deal. 

"My son, huh?" James said, taking the book from Sirius and looking fondly at the cover. "He looks just like me. How cute." He flipped through the book. "And he's a Quidditch player, just like his dad!" 

Remus decided to risk speaking. "Er, James, as cute as this sudden moment of paternal affection is, I think Sirius has got a point---" 

"I do?" Sirius broke in, justifiably surprised. 

"Yes," Remus said, "you have a point, if a slightly misguided one. Maybe we could try and use this book to figure out how to keep the atrocities at a minimum? You know, stave off a little bit of the death and destruction?" 

"And the living in caves?" 

"Yes, Sirius, and the living in caves." 

"Good." 

James was thinking, which looked like it pained him. "You know," he said slowly, "I think you're right...maybe we can use this book to defeat Voldemort!" 

"Yes, exactly---" 

But James kept speaking, cutting Remus off midsentence. "I mean, it _is_ really heavy! I bet if I threw it at him, he'd die!!" 

"But you know what would be even _better_?" Sirius said suddenly. James turned to him and raised his eyebrows. "If we threw the book at _Snape_!!!" 

"Before or after we dye his hair red?" 

"Before, so then when we dye his hair we can say it's 'adding insult to injury'!!" 

James's momentarily serious face broke out into a grin. "Sirius, you always have the best ideas! And it will be a great way to kill time until the Yule Ball!" 

James and Sirius dashed out of the room with the tome, and Remus decided to give in to his desires and smacked himself in the head with _Not-So-Temporary Insanity_ a few times. 

As he blinked the stars out of his eyes, he noted that Peter was still painting the posterboard, quivering. Remus left the room without telling him to stop. 


End file.
